What an incredible amount of time has passed. Not only has it been 3 years since I last visited this page, but it has been 3 very quick years. As I sit here in Seattle, looking out over the changing autumn leaves, it is hard to look back and realize how much has happened in the last 3 years that I haven’t sat down and reflected on. I guess I was too busy living to really sit back and take stock.
As many people who know me know by now, October is a difficult time. It used to be the passage into fall, with the introduction of crisp air, the most tolerant temperatures of the year, and a time of transition. It still is all of those things, and at times I get glimmers of nostalgia for when October was not also riddled with grief, sadness, and deep adversity. Celebrating the 3rd year of my Dad’s death, I realized how little I had allowed grief to enter. Each October I would distract myself with work or activities in my life and try to truly avoid thinking of him. This October was different. For the first time, my family returned to Sundance to spread his ashes. It felt a little forced, a bit silly, and too soon. But while sitting there, staring up to Stuart Falls and Mount Timpanogas, I realized, I hand’t processed much at all. I hadn’t left the rest of my life to really sit in my grief. To say the least, it was one of the most emotional experiences of my life. Not only were we there to honor the memory of my dear father, but now we were faced with even more loss - my brother, Daniel, passing away only a month earlier in September 2021. It is very rare that you meet someone who has lost both a parent and a sibling, and I have to remind myself of this regularly. To sit in my grief and realize the impact that this will have on my life forever is the most challenging task yet. I will always have grief. I will always need empathy and support from others (two things I rarely ask for and struggle to embrace). I sat in Livingston, a few months prior to this experience and thought, “this is it, I’m finally moving through my grief.” I’ve come to realize that my grief will always be there. It’s how I learn to live my life with it that gives me hope.
Again, on a happier note! I always feel that I’m starting with a tribute to my Dad, so I apologize - but this has been such a large piece of my life, I find it relevant to share. As I mentioned, I’m in Seattle! With great difficulty, I finally made the move of applying for graduate school about 2 years ago. I’m in my second year at the University of Washington School of Social Work and will finish this year with a Master’s in Social Work (knock on wood!). I’m currently working at YouthCare, a nonprofit in Seattle that focuses on addressing homelessness among youth in the greater Seattle area. This has been a wild opportunity that blossomed out of an internship I was doing with them for school. Now, I am the Director of Evaluations and Impact, which really is a convoluted way of saying that I work in program quality improvement across the agency. I always struggle when people ask what I do because it sometimes doesn’t even feel complete in my mind. But, I do it nonetheless.
Stuart has taken on an incredible new journey in his professional life and has started his own business! West Log Lumber was born out of a need to leave the monotony of state work behind and a strong internal drive to dictate his own path. It was not an easy move to leave the stability of a regular paycheck and incredible benefits. It takes a crazy amount of courage to build your own business and it has completely changed our life. Stuart is able to use our property to mill and we even purchased our very own mill! Probably the biggest purchase we’ve made life to date. He has developed a lot of local relationships with loggers, truck drivers, ranches, etc… All in all, 8 months in, West Log Lumber is alive and well!
For the next 8 months, Stuart and I will be living apart while I finish graduate school. It’s pretty crazy to think of how much Stuart and I have lived apart already in the last 10 years and to add another year on top seemed impossible. But, learning to live independently and spend time pursuing our goals has only made us stronger together. I’m proud to say we are a couple that can do that! Not many can. I will be visiting monthly to check up on the whole farm we have - our dogs, horses, cat, and of course Stuart. He has taken on a lot of responsibility to allow me the space to finish up my degree and it is an incredible gift to be able to call him my partner. Of course, it is easy to feel that time is passing incredibly slowly since I’m far from home, but I’m trying to make the most of it - currently sitting outside, enjoying the beautiful Seattle weather before the rainy winter.
Anyway, I hope to continue documenting our life together and our journeys with or without Ruby (who is growing quite old). Glad to have you along for the ride!
